…on Sunday February 12th.

My biological mother died on Sunday February 12th. People “say I’m sorry for your loss” like it’s a now thing, but the loss has been years in the making, it has been a loss in progress made final by the end of opportunity to recuperate what has been lost: a relationship with my mother. This lost is deep because it is of endless possibilities. It is shallow lacking memories and the feelings that exist in memory.

My loss is hollow and soundless.

How can I loose what I’ve never had? Except, perhaps only for a moment, those first few moments when there was just us, just her and I, me a daughter and she a mother, my mother.

Except she is not my mother not in the ways that matter, but also only in the way that means most, that express the miraculous horror that is existence. She has, sorry, had dimples just like me. What else do we share? Will I ever know? Can I recover loss?